Unless you’ve been abducted by aliens for the past year, you’ve been bombarded with news of the recent financial unpleasantness. For my own peace of mind as well as your general edification, here is a list of things I’m going to do (and not do) to deal with economic shenanigans.

What I’m Doing:

• Drinking coffee at work instead of a $7 mocha-latte-grande-imbibo-caveo. The coffee pot is also a hot spot for rumors unofficial information.
• Making soup at home instead of eating out as much. Chuck a lot of veggies and some chuck stew in a pot and simmer for a few hours, and the results are delicious. Properly doled out, a big pot of soup can last the week (especially if you freeze some of it). And this is coming from someone whose previous idea of a home-cooked meal was Hunan Wok on speed-dial– so when I tell you it’s an easy recipe, you better believe it.
• Buying used movies and music. Folks in the tri-state area should cotton on to the wonder and glory that is The Princeton Record Exchange. Thrill! to the wonders of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s (JCVD, to his friends) entire collection for the princely sum of $10.99! Gasp! as you behold an entire shelf devoted to $4.00 copies of Alien Vs. Predator! Moan! at the knowledge that fickle America just does not appreciate Enrique Iglesias like it used to. The Grey Lady (that’s the New York Times to non-natives) had an article on the good Exchange a few months ago, which ran more toward the snarky than the informative; criticizing the store for its “dorm-room decor” is totally, like, missing the point.
• Working through my teetering pile of unread books instead of keeping B&N solvent. (Sorry, B&N. No hard feelings, okay?) Lately I’ve been putting down the economics books and reaching for P.G. Wodehouse, who never fails to amuse.
• Saving money when possible. I found $90 worth of change the other day in my piggy bank. Who knew?

What I’m NOT going to do:

• Give up meat. Yeah yeah, you can stick your carbon footprint up your carbon . . . well, you get the idea. Sometimes a girl needs a nice, juicy steak. It’s why we have incisors, you know. This is not to disparage my friends who are turning to vegetarianism like organic parsley turns towards the sun. Live and let live, is what I say– as long as I can get some bacon on Sunday. (What stand-up comic said he was becoming vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he really hates plants?)
• Give up alcohol. A good martini on special occassions can be a thing of beauty. “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts” (Proverbs 31:6, for those playing at home.) Amen to that.
• Buy a gun. No, seriously. The boys and girls on the MarketWatch messageboards are big cheerleaders for the ‘guns and gold’ brigade. A friend of mine who used to be a sharpshooter in high school told me all the ammunition stores he knows of are perpetually sold out. Apparently a large number of people believe total economic collapse is imminent, and we should all be oiling our glocks or priming our Winchesters or spring-loading our AK-47s or whatever-it-is you do to weapons that can blow your head clean off. I’m not going to get involved, because, petite specs-wearing swooning female that I am, I realize that if I need to do my Annie Oakley impersonation to borrow a cup of flour, I’m probably not going to make it. I belong in the Gilmore Girls universe, not Mad Max, and at least I’m honest enough to admit it. Also, Americans tend to overreact. Every boom cycle is going to last forever (DOW 36,000, anyone?) and every bust cycle is an excuse to stockpile vats of SPAM (Hello, Millennials!). Besides, we’re free and clear until 2012, when the Mayan Alien Zombies are going to bring the apocalypse. Everone knows that.
• Put my money in my mattress. Mattresses can burn, people. Safes can walk away. And as much as the idea of stuffing my savings into a hollowed-out a copy of The Wealth of Nations appeals to me, I’m going to stay calm. The FDIC program still insures every account for up to $250k, so relax. Even if you’ve sacked away your savings at Madoff Savings and Loan, the government will step in and guarantee your ill-gotten gains.
• Buy everything from thrift stores. Nothing wrong with thrift stores, mind you. But I’d rather buy something new for a decent price and wear it into the ground than use someone else’s worn-out flannel pajamas.
• Mock Wall Street. Maybe it’s because I have friends in the industry, but seriously, folks– large banks are run like a small city– there’s thousands of people in Admin and PR and HR and IT and the Middle Office who are clean-cut, high-minded, sharp-eyed, hard-working folks who happen to work for Upper Management that made terrible decisions at the wrong time. Ease up on the hate.

And there we have it. Any suggestions from the peanut gallery?